Reflections
I was a child and teenager of the 1960s and 70s, born just as the UK was finally leaving the austerity of the post WW2 years. A society feeling safer, more prosperous, approaching a new era of optimism. And rebellion - as the younger generation challenged the establishment, seeking freedoms and expressions of who we were in ways never enjoyed by our parents.
I remember dis-satisfaction with the status quo, protests against the War in Vietnam and CND rallies (Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament.)
Science and technology achieving significant advancements in all walks of life. Medical break throughs promising greater longevity, time saving domestic appliances, the ability to travel further and faster and the fact that nearly every home was acquiring a telephone, radio and TV meant that communication became instant, and so did access to information about global events. The forerunners of the computers, smart phones and IT generated digital age we are experiencing today.
We felt that we could reach for the Moon , and watched with wonder on our TV screens as the the first moon landing did indeed take place in 1969.
I recall how colourful, vibrant and creative an era it was. Everything was open to exploration with the arts, fashion and the music pushing boundaries as never before. The sounds of those times will forever rest deeply in my heart.
Increasingly reliable contraception for women allowed a more permissive society in regard to relationships, with politics, law and media censorship reflecting these changes too. The fight against racial, gender and class discrimination gained momentum, and many rejected mainstream religion as more eastern orientated spiritual practices and philosophies appealed. Perhaps because they seemed to emphasise peace, love, and individual responsibility, matching the values of a counterculture which was rejecting the previously held traditional norms.
As I look back I ask myself what happened to all of us who embraced those ideals? How did
most of us become reabsorbed into the mainstream and find ourselves conforming to a society which was not at all what we had dreamed of and aspired to. I think that in our youth and naivety we just did not appreciate the power of established social institutions and how slow or difficult it is to effect lasting change.
I also believe that States governed under a system of democracy create enough 'wiggle room' so that when citizens become unhappy or disillusioned enough to protest, they are allowed just enough voice to feel that they have been heard and the pressure valve of serious dissent is released. Unless a group is particularly determined and persistent, people generally settle down again and continue to conform. Or so it seems to me following 50 years of observation.
My personal rebellion meant that I locked horns with my father and his 'old fashioned' values once too often and I kicked over the traces giving up my Grammar School education, much to his anger. No way was he going to support a recalcitrant and unemployed daughter and the subsequent arguments resulted in me leaving home and taking a 'live in' job elsewhere.
I soon learned that the necessity of supporting myself and earning a living can take the edge off the best held ideals. And I was young, curious and wanted to have some fun.
I had always had an affinity with nature and animals .. my sanctuary and my friends when I found it too difficult to be around people, but my ambition to become a veterinary surgeon died when I gave up academics and any hope of achieving the necessary exam grades.
After a couple of dead end jobs I went to Austria and spent 6 months working as an au pair and skiing before returning to the UK for my 18th birthday.
Then an opportunity arose which I jumped at - the chance to train as a veterinary nurse with the owner of the practice where I had worked at as a weekend kennel assistant from age 13 until I had left school. Another living on site post - the household, adjoining vet hospital and
kennels, was a unique and eclectic mix of family, staff and all our assorted friends who dropped in and out - spearheaded by a remarkable woman who ran her own veterinary practice single handed apart from the occasional locum. She had taken over the practice upon the retirement of her own boss .. who had been one of the first 3 women ever to qualify, all during the same year from London Veterinary School. Before then veterinary medicine was a totally male domain.
In this busy place I began to blossom and become more confident, to feel valued and appreciated both for my work and as the person I was maturing into. We worked hard but played hard too .. there were always people about and we were pretty much given free rein, apart from a couple of strict household rules , boundaries that we dare not cross if we wanted to remain there. We took full advantage of the freedoms we were granted
I am still in admiration for how this lady managed, despite considerable personal challenges, to keep track of her business, bring up her teenage children and become sanctuary to such a bunch of misfits as we were. Most of us thrived under her stewardship, and remain eternally grateful.
It seems to me that just a few times in life we chance to meet someone who has a special and lasting influence on who we become. I had found a second family and in latter years we became friends as did her two children with whom I still keep in touch. I deeply mourn her passing last year at the grand age of 93.
Much of my late teens was spent socialising, burning the candle at both ends and having a good time. I met and chose to marry a man who was very much the life and soul of the party, several years older than me and something of a local personality. My father was less than impressed though, not least because I told him a week before the date that I was getting married and in a registry office. Still the rebel.
For the next couple of years all seemed fairly well although my husband was becoming ever more controlling and jealous of any friendships which diverted my attention away from him. Always charming in public he was very popular .. always good for a drink and a laugh. By age 23 I was a new Mum and left work for a while to concentrate on my lovely son. My relationship with husband wasn't great and I had to ignore his wandering eye on several occasions, yet it was clear by 5 years in that things were deteriorating. His family business was going under and his parents sold their home to pay debt and came to live with us. I just learned to make the best of it. The one thing I never gave up was exhibiting my dogs and the like minded folk I met travelling round the show circuit kept me in some kind of normalcy and connection with other people. I had made my bed so to speak, and while younger women may ask why I did not leave sooner you have to remember that I was the tail end of a generation of stoic women brought up in a very dominant patriarchal society. Change takes time, and domestic abuses were not recognised in law as they are today. We were brought up in times where most of what was private, stayed private.
I knew that part of my husbands narcissistic behaviour came from his own family patterns and experiences, and I constantly gave him second chances.
His father was also a charming but difficult man and I shared much of my situation in common with his mother. She retreated into alcohol as an escape and although when it came to it she always sided with her son, we nevertheless retained an understanding and fondness of each other.
I did not recognise so much, that my own ways of shutting down under stress and my own need to fix things contributed to my marital break down as well. I did not understand at that time that it was not my job to be everyone's saviour to the detriment of my own well being.
The 1980s was really only the beginning of readily available therapies and acceptability of publicly sharing personal issues which is commonplace today. Unless of course you were wealthy or a celebrity.
We battled on and following the death of my father-in-law we decided to sell our cottage in the South East of England and relocate to Shropshire where we hoped to build a better life. I put my vet nursing experience to running a boarding kennels and worked very long hours to make it a success. I was happier away from an area of the country I never felt was home. Husband hated being away from his roots, blamed me for the move and refused to work for less than his perceived value .. which meant that most of the time he was not contributing to our income. I struggled to make ends meet, and when 4 years later our continuing conflict resulted in me being on the receiving end of physical violence I finally drew a line and ended our 13 year relationship.
My biggest regret is that when we sold our home and business I allowed him to persuade our then 11 year old son to go and live with him and his mother rather than me. The effects of that decision live with me until this day but at
the time I was physically and mentally exhausted, believing that I was not fit to care for him and that he would fare better without me.
When I look at the next image, the unnaturally gaunt shape that I was in, I am reminded how depleted my resources were and that I was just doing my best with what I had at the time. Self forgiveness comes many years later.
I now can see that I was learning valuable lessons about the limits of my personal endurance. That the lineage of wonderful, strong, fiercely determined and independent women and men in my family gave me the inherent will to keep getting up and surviving. I deeply honour them all, for without them there would be no me.
It took me longer to realise that they also passed on traits, born of the traumas of their own histories which were not so useful. Among them hyper vigilance and dissociation under extreme stress. The inability to trust and therefore unwillingness to be seen to express emotion or to be vulnerable. To this day I guard my personal space, and I find it easier to give rather than receive gracefully.
The 1990s brought in the next phase of my life story. Needing to support myself, retraining as a mature student to become a mental health nurse, leading to specialising in the care of those with dementia. Throughout the next 25 years I considered it a privilege to witness so people's many stories, and to maybe help them transition through their end of life journey a little more smoothly, both physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I met my current partner in 1991, a relationship which developed beyond our initial friendship. Always my rock and safe harbour, a perfect example that for me strong gentle masculinity will always be more attractive than loud, aggressive, domineering male behaviour.
Our thirty plus years together have not been without challenges which we have managed to navigate so far. We have a beautiful daughter despite my insistence when we first met that I did not intend to have any more children. The Universe clearly had other ideas for which I have no regrets.
We relocated to Scotland at the end of 1999 and for me it was a home coming. I am so grateful for the welcome of the land and the life we have had here as a family.
We have cared about each other, worked as a team, share many memories of laughter and the time we have spent together.
We have come through bereavements, loss of family members and close friends, watched world events unfold over the years in ways we would never have anticipated ... and our story continues in all its amazing, messy beauty.
The synopsis of part of my earlier years is just one version in the telling. It is not intended to read as a litany of misery or self pity.
Through this little bit of my overall story I hope to show that although I am unique I am also no different than millions of others making our way through life as best we can. All influenced by the culture and times we were born into - a sum of the collective social and ancestral stories plus personal experiences which influence our beliefs, attitudes and behaviour.
Could I have made different choices? I do believe in free will, so almost certainly I could have done things differently. We have the capacity to learn and change even if we don't always, immediately, take the opportunities that we are offered. If we are to survive as a species I believe it is crucial that we do adapt while we still have time.
I observe with increasing concern the rapidly approaching effects of climate change, this age of rampant consumerism, greed and self interest ahead of healthy supportive communities, our addictive attachment to devices and our detachment from the benefits of the natural world. I wonder how human beings never seem to learn the lessons of history regarding living together more harmoniously with each other and our environment. Its as though we are locked in an ever decreasing circle until we completely implode.
I conclude that we have failed so far to really understand and address the effects of many generations of accumulative traumas. Until we are willing to acknowledge the injustices of the past and work together to integrate and heal from them, we cannot progress to a future free from constantly reacting and repeating the same destructive patterns over and over again.
I also believe that we can all contribute positively, and it counts, however insignificant it may feel. Its taken me the best part of the last 10 years to unravel my history and put in the personal work to get me where I am today. Still a work in progress, only now am I ready to be visible and to use my voice.
To write and to share the practices which have helped me to remember who I am.
When I was at Primary School I wrote stories all the time. I would stay in the classroom to finish them rather than go out and play during break. My very earliest remembered ambition was to be a writer and storyteller, until circumstances happened that stole my belief in my self worth, silencing me for nearly 60 years.
I claim my voice back now. And if I can help any one else to do the same, to be more comfortable with who they are or to add to the collective healing the world needs, I will be content that I have played my part.
I am truly grateful for so much.
Life and the lessons I have learned.
Occasions of love, joy and music
My animal companions and my guides
My handful of close friends and family including those who no longer walk with us.
The brother and sisterhood of ancestral men and women who were unable to speak their pain but supported each other and survived. They did their best with the tools they had. We can pick up the reins and do better.
And I am grateful for the future generations and the potential they hold in their hands.
Create Your Own Website With Webador